Adventures in the land of Zoloft

Mental health issues are things people don't like to talk about or acknowledge. There are all those inspirational quotes on facebook about being strong because you battle through every day, or asking for help isn't a sign of weakness blah blah. But in reality, mental health problems are scary, scary things to deal with, especially when it happens to you.

I've always had times of feeling very low and sad, angry and on edge. I know I was pretty depressed after each baby and I just battled through it, slowly dragging myself out of the sludge and back onto solid ground, only to fling myself back in there again. I really believe I never actually came out of it after Ruby, her lack of sleeping, her rages and difficult behaviour completely wore me down and for many, many years I have felt like I was on the tipping point of a nervous breakdown. Well, consider me tipped.
But
The past month has been like a living hell for me. I have had full blown anxiety attacks, where I really thought I was going mad. A feeling like cold water being poured down the back of my neck, crawling skin, dry mouth, nausea. Thoughts racing so fast I wanted to scream. I would wake in the middle of the night, almost leaping off the bed in panic. My moods were every where, I cried like I have never cried before, and then would be curled in the fetal position, unable to move.

The perfect storm that had been brewing in my life had blown in. A combination of life events, work, kids, hormones, self- identity.... it was not pretty, and it was terrifying.

But I got help. Talking with a psychologist helped me unravel some stuff. And my GP was fantastic, ran all kinds of tests for physical causes (none) and then put me on Zoloft. I felt a positive effect within a couple of days. Now, 2 weeks into treatment and I am feeling.... normal. I have way more good moments than bad, my thoughts don't race, I'm sleeping and I actually look forward to the future again.

The surprise silver lining from all this is the way it has affected my relationship with Brett. He has been my rock and my comfort. I think when you're busy with young kids it's natural that you kind of lose sight of your partner. I don't know what I would have done without his support and understanding these past few weeks. I know this road won't be smooth, but I am slowly losing the fear that has shadowed me for all this time.