Break my heart

Personally, i think one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is trying to work out how much freedom and responsibility to give your kids. It's something I have had to start wrestling with, now that Simon is getting close to teenage-hood (HOLY CRAP). I think I may have written before about how he is allowed to ride his bike by himself around certain streets close to our house. He tells me exactly where he's going, I give him a time to be back and off he goes. The first time my heart was in my throat for the whole half hour. But he came home right on time, pleased as punch with himself. Since then he has been out many more times, and each time my anxiety level drops a bit. A couple of weeks ago though, he came home looking subdued and I just had a feeling something had happened. He came and kind of folded himself into my lap, which is like holding a great dane puppy, all legs and fidgeting, and told me that he had had an anccident. His shoe lace had become caught in the chain and he had fallen off the bike. He hadn't hurt himself, but he wasn't able to free his shoe lace, which had also wrapped tightly around his ankle. He couldn't ride the bike and he was scared to try and push it along in case he fell over again. So he sat on the footpath and called out for help, the poor little boy. After a while an older couple who were driving past saw him and managed to help him by cutting the shoelace.  Poor old Simon, he was very upset, as was I. He buried his face in my neck and sobbed, "oh, mum! I missed you!"

Heartbreaking, yes, but also a good opportunity.  We had a good chat about why his Dad and I set limits and talked out how to cope when things go wrong. As I said to Simon, part of growing up is learning how to deal with unexpected situations on your own, it's not just about being old enough to go places by yourself. I think a little light bulb went on over Simon's head at that point.

But, oh, these children! I carry them with me every moment of everyday, like a thread that runs through me. Ruby drew a picture a few months ago, which was of me, with a hollow tummy, and tiny stick figures ofSimon, Declan and herself drawn in there. She is under the impression that I was pregnant with them all at once, but they each came out at separate times. She had drawn three lines snaking up from the little figures to a blob in my chest. When I asked her what it was, she said, "Oh you know mum, it's that cord thingy that babies have on them. I didn't know where it went to, so I made us all attached to your heart."

And they always will be.