stages

Last week we had a couple of those weird cold days that often come in October, where winter tries to have another turn. I had to dig the children's winter school clothes out of the drawers again. Then Saturday came and the temperature rose and the sun returned. We took the kids down to Towradgi beach, which is a lovely one for kids as there is a natural paddling pool at the southern end, protected by a rocky break water. Surrounding this are rock pools and secret hollows where you can explore and find all kinds of sea creatures. We saw a sea slug, crabs, tiny fish darting around our legs, and plenty of sea weed and shells. I'm finding my self shedding my old anxieties as a mother like an ill fitting skin now that the kids are getting older. Oh, it is so good not to have to follow a tiny toddler around, or nurse a baby every hour, or stop a crawler from putting sand in his mouth. I can sit at the water's edge now and watch them play, we can explore things together and enjoy a real sense of companionship. It is such a fleeting stage, really, when i look back. When we first decided to try to have a baby it seemed to stretch out forever. The it is endless and relentless when you are in it. And now suddenly it's all over and I'm onto the next stage. And don't misunderstand me, I felt so blessed and lucky to have had 3 healthy, happy children, but I'm not one of those people who loves the baby stage. For me, I always needed that light at the end of the tunnel, the promise that things would become easier. Obviously each stage brings new challenges and joys, but the anxiety and stress I felt with each of my babies is something I don't need to do again, thanks very much. I feel wistful for their little chubby cheeks and their baby smell, and at times I still feel the "let down" sensation of breastfeeding when I think about it. But now I watch my strong, beautiful children run across the sand to me, each bringing some treasure to share and I am glad, very glad.